The JOY in the JOURNEY . . .

I have noticed that I have strayed away from my joyful center!

2008 and the 1st 6 months of 2009 have been full of many twists and turns. I have encountered so many different "changes" in family, work and the adoption process.

In January 2008, I began the heart wrenching decision to switch agencies. In April the Kemerovo region closed and I switched regions. My dear Pappa Earl (my precious, precious mentor) became sick and I took over as interim manager while he was on LOA. Then in May we learned that our dear Pappa Earl was diagnosed with terminal cancer. In June, I encountered issues with members of my immediate family that take me to my knees over and over again. In July, August and September, I received multiple referrals that took me to a place of heart wrenching decisions and despair. In October, we lost precious Pappa Earl. In November, I made another heart wrenching decision to switch to another agency (3 new dossiers in 1 year!). Along with many, many others in the 2008 economy crash, I lost a significant amount in my retirement, stock and adoption fund. In 2009, I became permanent manager of our department and although wonderful, my work load has increased significantly.

AND, my baby girl still isn't home!!!

Can anyone say STRESSFUL!!! I was sinking deeper and deeper into a "survival" state!

But . . . that is so ALL about ME!!! During that time, I had lost the perspective I needed to see the bigger picture. Really, shame on me! Through all MY twists and turns there have been wonderful constants and JOYs that I simply didn't and haven't acknowledged. Again, shame on me!

Easy has never been my middle name and I have struggled and weathered through many trials in my life. And, I have had a mantra for about 10 years now, "Consider it all Joy" from my favorite chapter in the Bible, James 1. Whenever I am going through a trial, it gives me perspective. And, it is the reason the 1st song on my play list is "Joy in the Journey".

So, through all of my life trials, these are my JOY's today . . .

My wonderful God, Lord & Savior! Lately, I have tried to "push through" on my own strength instead of allowing my strength to come from my center, my source - my Lord! I have been been convicted to search my heart and find the JOY, once again, in my journey.

My wonderful Son! He is the light that shines every day for me. He is the love of my life! It is pure JOY to be his parent, his mama.

My wonderful cousin/friend, Uppa D! He is my co-parent. He is my constant "go to person". He holds me steady, holds me accountable, holds me to the standard he knows is the best of ME! He has lovingly told me that I have "hardened" lately and I'm hard on others and on myself. Thank you Uppa D, for lovingly telling me what I need to hear. You are pure JOY in my life and I don't tell you that enough!

My wonderful career. Although stressful at times and with huge transitional changes lately, I have been given a great priviledge with my professional work. I have such a JOY-ful group where we try to keep it all in perspective and have such fun, but also take on the responsibility of our jobs. I think a fun departmental lunch is in order! I pray Pappa Earl is looking down with a smile. I learned from the best!

I'm stopping for a brief, objective "look around". . . I see I am so richly blessed! Slowly, my JOY is returning.

I leave you today with my favorite scripture passage from James 1. I hope that it brings you peace and joy in your journey, as it has done for me in the past . . . and now again today.

James 1
. . . 2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
. . .
12 Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
. . .
17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows . . .

Find your JOY - in your trials today!

Waiting . . . by 2 month increments . . . Uggghhh!

So, I was supposed to have some "news" of a referral by the end of May. I did get news, but the news was "another possible 1-2 months"! So, I'm thinking, due to my "wait" experience, it will be more like 2 more months.

After a long discussion with my agency (who I really like!) it is apparent that the coordinators are trying their best. I do understand and I do know it is so much more difficult these days. But, now I'm thinking summer slow down and fall court date. Sigh!!!

Over the last 3 years, I have been "2 months" to death. My 2nd adoption life seems to move in 2 month intervals. "it will be 2 months for translation/registration". "It will be at least 2 months between trip 1 & 2." Jul-Sep 2008 - 2 months of heartbreaking referrals. Dec-Jan 2009 - 2 months of holiday wait. It just keeps going on and on and on with the 2 month "thing"! Over the course of 3 years and 3 agencies, I can't tell you how many times I have been told "Nancy, give it a couple more months."

Needless to say . . . I'm a bit Blue this week!

OK, chin up - so now it is "T minus 2 months, again! (minus 1 week!)"

I'm Waiting . . . for my 2nd Wind!

You know, I have ran a 15K several times in my life (yes, I need to start that up again!). My experience has been, I usually start out pretty strong. Along, about the 2K mark, I'm loose, my joints are working, my body has found its rhythm. I'm actually starting to enjoy it!!

Then about the 10K mark, I start to feel my energy going, my feet feel like lead, my lungs are SCREAMING for air! I want to STOP the madness of the race . . . . but my spirit will not let me stop. My spirit pushes me on, forward . . . I have only 5K left!

Then, when I think my body just cannot take any more, I round the last corner and I can finally see the FINISH line. Sometimes it is close, sometimes it is a little bit far off. But . . . HAL-LE-LU-JAH, I can see it!!! Somewhere, deep inside, that visual changes me, the 2nd wind kicks in and it is as if my body instantly rejuvenates itself. Gone are the aches and pains, gone is the breathlessness - a lightness comes over me and I find I can run even faster than before. I finish with such a high, such a rush - I tingle from the top of my head all the way down to the tips of my toes. I finished! It was so worth it!!!

International Adoption is much the same way as my beloved 15K. I have started both of my adoptions out so strong. The paper chase was done with no delays, I was in a rhythm with each document, each notary, each apostille. Then the dossier was completed and sent! That was my 2K mark . . . I was really starting to enjoy the process!

From 2K to 10K, the WAIT. . . It starts out enjoyable, getting the "To Do" list compiled, taking each task and finishing it, working on your little one's room, making decisions with "baby" in mind . . . But, along about the 10K mark (OK, in my case, more like a 26-mile marathon!!!) you reach that point where there just is NOTHING left. You are spent, emotionally and physically. You simply cannot go on another day of WAIT. But . . . go on you do . . . because you keep telling youself you are so close, "you have only 5K left". So, you push through the tears, through the pain.

Then, that magical moment comes and you know the timing is right. You "round the corner and see the finish line", you receive that precious call annoucing you are going to Russia to meet your child. Instantly, the 2nd wind kicks in . . . you know you can "run" another 5K to the finish line.

I'm at the 10K mark . . . my mind is screaming to stop this madness, but my heart is telling me "it is so close, just keep going!" So . . . I'm waiting on that "call" that will rejuvenate me, kick in my "2nd wind" and Sail me into the Finish Line!

And, on the light-side . . . hoping and praying it doesn't turn out that I'm really in a marathon (26 miles) and not just a 15K (9+ miles) . . . Oy, I have never trained for that! LOL!

Being Real (part 2) . . .

I'm staring at the calendar, 1/20/09 - - 2009 - - - 3 LONG years!!! 2006 seems so long ago . . .

I really do not know how much more I can take . . . How long is long enough? I know I'm not going to publish this until some time in the future, but . . .

My heart is broken, My spirit is broken, My resolve is broken . . .

Should I just be satified with 1 child? Am I trying to force something that is obviously not meant to be? So many questions roll through my mind. Questions I thought I would never ask! My heart is breaking.

Is it time to stop . . . ?

1,000 Days of Wait . . .

I have finally gone beyond triple digits! I have now reached that milestone that I hoped & prayed I would never reach. But, I am here . . . still waiting!

It has been 1,000 days since I started this journey to my baby daughter.

It is recognized with a gentle sigh of frustration! Yet, I know, absolutely know, she is somewhere . . . waiting . . . Just as her family is also . . . waiting . . .

Days preparing paperwork - 284 days
Days "Waiting" for Referral - 716 days
Total Days Processing - 1,000 days
The DAY I hold my baby girl in my arms forever - Priceless!

When I need reassurance, I need only to look over at my "Krasiva Syn" (beautiful son) & I Know There is Joy in the Journey!

There is significance in the chosen background in the counter below . . . In the midst of twists & turns in direction & the future unknowns . . . There is a calm, reassuring heart still beating for my baby girl. I know God is in Control.

She is somewhere . . . out there . . . waiting for Mama!

Custom Countdowns & MySpace Layouts

Being Real . . .

IA adoption is just hard . . . no other way to say it! I know of other families that have processed quickly 6-9 months & under 12 months. So, what am I doing wrong? Why am I looking at 3 LONG years!!!

I don't know . . . I don't know . . . I don't know!!!

Sorry, for the Vent . . . but someone recently told me I needed to start "being real"! So, YES, my friends, I am frustrated, very frustrated!

It seems the regions I have been assigned to have had unlimited issues in 2008. Once again, I just got caught up in all of it . . . nothing that I could have predicted or anticipated. I am somewhat limited to what regions I can go to because of my single parent status. Russia is slowly eliminating the regions that are single parent friendly. My choice in agencies have been based on the "best information at the time". And, so they haven't turned out to be the "best' in the long run. How do you really KNOW!!!

In the spirit of "being real" . . . I will finally admit, I have had several (please don't ask me how many, just too many for my heart to bare) referrals this summer. But, with each one, there was "something" that prevented it from being "my baby girl". With each one, I was so excited, thinking "this is it!!!" Only, to be taken to my knees emotionally & spiritually. The details are painful & private.

Trying . . . Not to become discouraged. Not to become angry. Not to loose Faith!

I can't change the facts, I can only just go with it. So, more decisions in the works. Hopefully, decisions that will move it forward.

More to come . . . when I have a comfort level to publically share!!!

A Much Needed IA Break . . .

As you can see, I have not posted in about 6 weeks! As you know from my previous posts, I have struggled with delay after delay. The Kemerovo region closed in April 2008 & delayed my adoption process, once again. I’m going to admit, my spirit was at an all time low during April & May. It was very hard for me to even talk about my adoption process with anyone. My heart was so heavy from all the various disappointing delays over the last 2.5 years. I was having a hard time being joyful when I read & watched as other PAP received “the call” & traveled to Russia with little wait time. I was beginning to have a bitter attitude! I had no idea when or if Kemerovo would open again & my mind turned to very unpleasant thoughts as I realized I might not travel until 2009! I honestly didn’t know if I could withstand another year of wait (3 years!). Now I know the world of IA is not easy & a PAP should not expect it to be, but I think only those adoptive parents that have weathered LONG waits can truly understand.

The best way I can explain it . . . “its like being picked last for a game of dodge ball." You know the 2 team captains see you & you anxiously wait & wonder if you will indeed be picked last. Your mother tells you it doesn't matter, but inside - you know, it really does!

So . . . I took a much needed break the last 1.5 months from blogging about the IA processing world. Not much progress forward & my heart was so heavy. And, on one particular day, when my heart was at its heaviest, I prayed . . . “Lord, if you want me to adopt another child, please steady my heart & give me an extra measure of strength to withstand all of these delays. AND, please get them figured out!” As always, God heard my prayer. And, that very day, just when I was at my lowest. my adoption agency called & presented me with an option . . . registering in another region, Vladivostok.

God is always there . . . with the right plan. It may not be our plan, but He does have it ALL figured out!

So, I will be registered in 2 regions. I’m still registered in Kemerovo & will soon be in Vladivostok. AND, it gets better . . . My agency notified me on Friday (6/20/2008) that the Kemerovo region is once again OPEN! YES, I now have double the chances of traveling this year, 2008! How awesome it that! Which one will it be? . . . I have humbly bowed to the Lord’s awesome wisdom. It honestly doesn’t matter. The last 2 weeks have been busy putting together a 4th (yep, count them, 4!) dossier for the region of Vlad. There are a few more required docs for this region compared to Kemerovo, but I am almost finished & once again I am in the (oh, so familiar) wait for 2 REGIONS!

I have finally realized how consumed I have been over the last 6 months with ALL that paperwork, completing 2 new DOE dossiers. WHEW!!!

I still would like to continue taking a much needed break from IA processing. I have down loaded the pictures from my digital camera (finally) & over the next couple of months I'll post them. So, over the rest of the summer, the blogs will be more “Nicky inspired”!

A rejuvenated PAP . . .

It's OK, when it's NOT ok . . .

(I recently sent this to a waiting PAP friend. I thought it might help others "waiting" today.)

Just a note of encouragement today - "it's OK, when it's NOT ok".

You know, I was watching my sweet, beautiful boy play soccer on Saturday & thought to myself "What a perfect child! I Love him so much!". Everything I went through to have him, is still very real, but it is now just a memory, however a very vivid memory. I did weather through it & we are now on the other side.

I know one day, I will be able to look back on the journey to my 2nd child & have the same assurrance & confirming thoughts that I now have for Nicholas. However, that day is not TODAY. Today, I'm still in the midst of the struggles & I feel all the "labor" pains. Today, it is not pleasant. Today, I feel it is "unfair". Today, I am "trying" to live with joy about how the path of my 2nd adoption has been laid out for me to travel. Today, I'm trying to let go & accept the possible negative outcomes. Today, it IS hard to deal with . . .

Just wanted to let you know, it is okay to feel the "not so wonderful" side of International Adoption. It is very real. We will get through it. God will give us the strength to weather through it, even when everything that could go wrong is multiplied by x 10! His grace is sufficient to conquer all. We WILL have our precious children, one day . . .

Hugs ~ To all PAP's "waiting".

Nicholas is READY for our baby!

Nicholas and I are so ready for this new year to bring our precious, new baby.

Nicky asked me today "Mommy, when will it happen? I want to go to Russia, NOW!" Maybe by posting my little guy's readiness for a baby sister/brother, it will send Subliminal Messages to start the count down!

Hope everyone is ready for a great year!