The Birth Family - The Personal Before & After?

End Result:
The knowing is so much better than the not knowing.

However . . .

Before:
You meet this beautiful, wonderful child . . . Love! It is all that you have dreamed of and more. Total Commitment. Everything that comes with this child can and will be dealt with, everything. There is no going back, no desire to go back. It is a perfect fit, finally a family.

According to the child’s file, there is sketchy birth family information. Almost none, really. Two older siblings - all 3 children removed from the home environment and placed in orphanages with parental rights terminated by the state. Why? The only answer given, “unsocial way of life”. What does that mean? Your mind races with different explanation scenarios. But, you have already fallen in love, no turning back, even if the truth were known. You move forward, once again knowing, everything can be dealt with.

In court, you finally hear the explanation – the dysfunctional explanation. But, a second later, the judge asks you “Do you wish to adopt this child as your own?” Without hesitation you answer yes in Russian, “Da”. Once again, everything that comes with this child can be dealt with.

The two older siblings (sisters) work their way into your mother’s heart. You have to find them and know they are alright. Possibly adopt them too? Perhaps! However, the finding them is difficult, to say the least – after 2 years trying to work with the MOE, you are told to “forget the girls”.

You decide to go a different way – A Birth Family Search. Something you knew you would eventually do, but not this early in Nicholas’ life! Honestly, you wanted to enjoy the innocent fantasy of his past. Not knowing meant – innocent time. You move forward anyway, for the sake of 2 missing sisters.

The report comes back quickly. The birth mother is very easy to find. She is very willing to share the “why”. All of a sudden, after 2+ years, you are sitting at your computer faced with the TRUTH. All you have to do is open up the attached report and begin reading. In those few seconds of before-knowing, you go through many emotions. Excitement - the 2+ year search for the sisters is possibly, finally over? Fear - will Nicholas look like his birth parents? Tears start forming at that thought (everyone, as well as you, believes he looks just like you!). So many emotions experienced in just a few seconds. Tears begin to surface. You gather all your reserve and open the report!

After:
The facts of the report hit hard. The tears begin falling. Nicholas has 2 mothers, yes, 2 mothers. You are finally faced with that very real fact. She was/is his mother and she does still love him. His birth environment was and still is unhealthy for a child. Tears of thankfulness to the Russian government for removing the children from the home environment and thankfulness to the baby house that took care of him & nursed him back to health. Certainly an institution is not an ideal living situation for any child, but in some cases, a much better choice. You read it all over again, knowing it will be many days and weeks of re-reading before it will all finally become real.

In less than 4 weeks, all the unknown is known!

It takes huge growth for an adoptive parent to recognize the life before "Gotcha Day". You grieve that you are not your son's mother from birth, but those are the facts and you come to respect his birth family for giving him life. His birth mother holds his past during his 1st year of life. She has the physical memories of carrying him during pregnancy, his 1st smile, 1st tooth. You hold his future from 18 months old and beyond. You know his 1st words, 1st pony ride, 1st day of school. The truth is - BOTH mothers can share in the life of this precious child.

Your family is now completely tied to this other family. There is no turning back, no regrets. This birth family is now an extension of Your family. It is a miracle that the information came into your life so easily, as if meant to be. You take it as it comes, knowing God gives what He knows we can handle. The fact is, this is Nicholas’ story, not yours. Your part of his life began at adoption. This part of his story began at birth, with his birth family. These facts are his alone. You are only the caretaker of this information for him.

Everything, can and will be dealt with.

Birth Family Search - Questions To Consider

I was asked recently to facilitate an adoption forum group discussion on Birth Family Searches. Below is the outline I used to create discussion. I thought it might facilitate appropriate questions for those who are considering a birth family search.

Birth Family Search

A. Eastern European Adoptions (Russia)

Closed adoptions

Many adoptive parents choose EE adoptions because they are closed. No birth family contact.

Birth Parents are not allowed to inquire about their children once parental rights are terminated.
i. Parental rights given up by birth parents
ii. Parental rights terminated by state
iii. According to Russian law, birth parents do not have the right to know what happens to their children & will not be told if the child is adopted.

Other family members may/may not be allowed to inquire about the children.

The Adoptive Family is the one in control. Only the Adoptive Family can provide & give accurate information about the adoption to the Birth Family.

B. Why do a Birth Family Search?

Your child is asking questions that you do not have adequate information to provide the answer for.

Finding other birth siblings still in orphanages
i. Ministry of Education (MOE) only – no birth family search
ii. Both MOE & birth family search.

Finding medical history of your child

Validating information in legal documents
i. birth certificates
ii. court transcripts

Finding & Recording very specific birth family information
i. Parents name & family members name
ii. Addresses & area where birth family lives
iii. Miscellaneous/general questions

Creating a connection with the birth family
i. 1 X Only
ii. Continuous

C. What are the adoptive family’s concerns about a Birth Family Search?

Is the Knowing better than the Not Knowing?

Will my role as the “parent” be challenged? How will it change?

What are the costs involved? - ranges from $500 to $2,000

What do I write in a birth family letter?

What if multiple b-siblings are found & available for adoption?

What if the birth family cannot be found?

What if the birth family is living an “unsocial way” of life?

What if the birth family asks for financial support?

What if the birth family wants the adoptive family’s specific information? - Name, address, etc.

What if the birth family wants visitation with the child?

D. Are you ready to do a Birth Family Search?

What is your motivation?

What is your emotional state?

E. How to Handle the Results of a Birth Family Search?

What do you need to be prepared for?

What are the emotions involved?

If the situation is needy - Do you offer financial support?

How does my role as “parent” change?

F. After the Birth Family Search – Were do you go from here?

Continuing contact?
i. At what point is the searcher no longer needed?
ii. At what point does the adoptive family give disclosure?

Continuing searches?
i. How long do you search?

Visitation?
i. When do you agree on visitation?

Heritage Trips?

G. How do I begin sharing the birth family information with my adoptive child?

Adoption foundation already laid at the time of adoption & on-going

As they ask questions

Age appropriate

This parent’s opinion & perception – “When I made the decision to adopt from Russia, I had no idea I would be given the birth family situation I received. However, God has a perfect plan for my family & I will trust Him to give us the “pieces” as we are ready. Our birth family search is truly a blessing not a burden. It is a combining of 2 families that dearly love a little boy & want the very best for him. I feel privileged to share this child with his birth family. I wholeheartedly encourage birth family searches. However, they must be done with appropriate timing, soul searching & gracious motivation."

“The KNOWING is so much better than the NOT KNOWING!”

Finding the "Mama" in Me . . .

I'm a Mama, yes, a MAMA! The word rolls off my tongue so easily these days. However, I do remember the first time that I dared dream such a thought, let alone say the beautiful word out loud. I laugh now because it all sounds like such a cliche, but true. It was the year 2000, I was 39 years old looking at 40 and I finally accepted the fact that as a successful woman, life was not complete for me. Mid-life questioning? I guess . . . Looking back, I vaguely remembered, somewhere in my 20's, the fantasy of the "Trilogy" - Marriage - Career - Parenthood. But, the reality of life took over and 20 years later, I stopped long enough to reflect and I found - incompleteness. Not totally understanding - I began with a dog. As I said, I'm the cliche (ha!). My 1st born, Katy Sue, although a beautiful, loving companion - a dog did not a completed family make. Finally, I was able to admit that I truly wanted a child. First, just a sprinkle of admitted thought - I want to be a Mama. Then a downpour of confirmation - I WANT TO BE A MAMA! The thought firmly took hold. The soul searching took another 2 years before I was completely ready to step out in faith, down a path that would change my life forever. I researched every available option, visited with many professionals and decided to walk down the path of single parenthood through international adoption. I was drawn and called to the abandoned orphans of our world. Little did I know the amount of faith, strength and perseverance I would need. I was finally able to realize my dream and adopt internationally from Russia. In hindsight, I realize it was God's "krasiva" (beautiful) plan unfolding.

Many ask me when was the moment that "I knew". I remember it like yesterday . . . It was on a return flight from a business trip to LA. I "accidentally" sat next to a very cheerful couple who, with joy spilling over them, shared their exciting news. They were leaving the following week to adopt their baby girl. Needless to say, I had a hundred and one questions to ask them. They spent the 3 1/2 hour flight sharing with me about the wonderful journey of international adoption. I stepped off the airplane with a spring in my step, firmly committed to my decision. I was at peace and finally ready. A couple of months later, 6/2003, I had signed with an international adoption agency, I was on my way to realizing my dream of a family!

I traveled to Russia and adopted a year later in August/September 2004. There are no words to describe that initial feeling of "Mama". That precious word is now a large part of who I am and it is wonderful to claim it as part of me. As I write it in my life's resume, I treasure the simple word with such a huge meaning. The power and simplicity of this 4-letter word . . . has changed me.

I can truly say, I am so blessed to have created my family through international adoption. It has created so much personal growth in my own life's journey and I am a better human being on the planet because of this incredible experience. God has used me, yes simple, incomplete me, to be the vessel for helping our world's abandoned children. I sat playing on the floor among these children and saw the look and behavior of abandonment, something I will never, ever forget. To experience abandoned children so starved for love, for Mama . . . no adult could or should forget. Many of these children will slip through the cracks of life, not belonging to anyone or anything.

My journey to parenthood started out with being all about me, my void, my lack of, my incompleteness . . . all very valid, important motives. But, God had a bigger plan and has used my adoption experience to help me understand what should be beyond my journey to parenthood. It is the outward focus, the outward vision - for others. No matter what is going on in our lives, there is opportunity to serve, to become part of a bigger picture and plan. In doing so, we save ourselves, from ourselves.

Yes, I am finally a Mama, but so much more . . .