The Birth Family - The Personal Before & After?

End Result:
The knowing is so much better than the not knowing.

However . . .

Before:
You meet this beautiful, wonderful child . . . Love! It is all that you have dreamed of and more. Total Commitment. Everything that comes with this child can and will be dealt with, everything. There is no going back, no desire to go back. It is a perfect fit, finally a family.

According to the child’s file, there is sketchy birth family information. Almost none, really. Two older siblings - all 3 children removed from the home environment and placed in orphanages with parental rights terminated by the state. Why? The only answer given, “unsocial way of life”. What does that mean? Your mind races with different explanation scenarios. But, you have already fallen in love, no turning back, even if the truth were known. You move forward, once again knowing, everything can be dealt with.

In court, you finally hear the explanation – the dysfunctional explanation. But, a second later, the judge asks you “Do you wish to adopt this child as your own?” Without hesitation you answer yes in Russian, “Da”. Once again, everything that comes with this child can be dealt with.

The two older siblings (sisters) work their way into your mother’s heart. You have to find them and know they are alright. Possibly adopt them too? Perhaps! However, the finding them is difficult, to say the least – after 2 years trying to work with the MOE, you are told to “forget the girls”.

You decide to go a different way – A Birth Family Search. Something you knew you would eventually do, but not this early in Nicholas’ life! Honestly, you wanted to enjoy the innocent fantasy of his past. Not knowing meant – innocent time. You move forward anyway, for the sake of 2 missing sisters.

The report comes back quickly. The birth mother is very easy to find. She is very willing to share the “why”. All of a sudden, after 2+ years, you are sitting at your computer faced with the TRUTH. All you have to do is open up the attached report and begin reading. In those few seconds of before-knowing, you go through many emotions. Excitement - the 2+ year search for the sisters is possibly, finally over? Fear - will Nicholas look like his birth parents? Tears start forming at that thought (everyone, as well as you, believes he looks just like you!). So many emotions experienced in just a few seconds. Tears begin to surface. You gather all your reserve and open the report!

After:
The facts of the report hit hard. The tears begin falling. Nicholas has 2 mothers, yes, 2 mothers. You are finally faced with that very real fact. She was/is his mother and she does still love him. His birth environment was and still is unhealthy for a child. Tears of thankfulness to the Russian government for removing the children from the home environment and thankfulness to the baby house that took care of him & nursed him back to health. Certainly an institution is not an ideal living situation for any child, but in some cases, a much better choice. You read it all over again, knowing it will be many days and weeks of re-reading before it will all finally become real.

In less than 4 weeks, all the unknown is known!

It takes huge growth for an adoptive parent to recognize the life before "Gotcha Day". You grieve that you are not your son's mother from birth, but those are the facts and you come to respect his birth family for giving him life. His birth mother holds his past during his 1st year of life. She has the physical memories of carrying him during pregnancy, his 1st smile, 1st tooth. You hold his future from 18 months old and beyond. You know his 1st words, 1st pony ride, 1st day of school. The truth is - BOTH mothers can share in the life of this precious child.

Your family is now completely tied to this other family. There is no turning back, no regrets. This birth family is now an extension of Your family. It is a miracle that the information came into your life so easily, as if meant to be. You take it as it comes, knowing God gives what He knows we can handle. The fact is, this is Nicholas’ story, not yours. Your part of his life began at adoption. This part of his story began at birth, with his birth family. These facts are his alone. You are only the caretaker of this information for him.

Everything, can and will be dealt with.