The Court Hearing . . . The BIG One!

Well, what an interesting day we had. I look back on it and I still can't really believe that it happened the way it did - - - So, NOT the way that I had envisioned it! So, NOT the way that I wanted to remember the milestone moment of the judge announcing me as Permanent Guardian of my daughter. But . . . nonetheless . . .

So, you all have asked what has happened - - - I really don't know exactly what went on in the court room during the court hearing because . . . I was not there! Yes, it ended up that I didn't attend at all. This was not at all my decision, in fact, had I known then what I know now, I would have demanded that I be taken straight away to the court plaza. "Others" decided for me that I shouldn't be there. For those that know me well, you would know that I prefer to make my own decisions and I prefer to be heard on my own terms, as a competent parent. I am not weak, but strong-willed when it comes to my children. I want to miss NOTHING in the adoption process. Because . . . my children have been adopted at a young age and I am the curator of the facts, I am the keeper of the milestone experiences, I am the story-teller as they grow into the knowledge of their adoption. I want to experience it ALL - - - for them! As you can tell, I have some strong emotions about missing this milestone court hearing. I will TRY to put it all into perspective and TRY to understand . . . however, right now I have a deep grief - - - I did not hear those precious words spoken by the judge!

It all started with a very, very hot day. There were many, many cases on the docket for the day. Our case-to-be-heard number was #45. This meant that we could possibly have the hearing today or possibly could not. In discussing this with Sadeem, at about 10:00 a.m., he said the judge was not "on his bench" yet for the day and it would depend on the judge. So, we were to wait at the guest house until further notice. At 2:00 p.m., I visited again with Sadeem by cell phone, Sadeem said the judge had just arrived and our case should be looked at first. Sadeem said he would call if the judge needed me. I heard that "IF" he mentioned, "if the judge needed me". I made it very, very clear to Sadeem that no matter what, I wanted to be in the court room when the attorney argued my case and the judge made the ruling. Sadeem mentioned that it was a very, very crowded day, "standing room only", and many people were standing waiting for their case to be heard by the judge. I again stated that I didn't care if I had to stand, I wanted to be in the court room during the hearing. Sadeem told me he would call me in 10 minutes to tell me when he would be on his way to the guest house to get us for the court hearing. Well, 10 minutes turned into an hour, then another hour . . . this was not unusual, since there was not guarantee the judge would hear our #45 case prior to the others in front of us. I called several times, but I couldn't reach Sadeem. Finally, at 4:00 p.m. I called and Sadeem answered. When I asked him when/if our case would be heard, he told me it was all over. Yes, ALL OVER!

My mind started to reel . . . at what I heard. When I asked WHY!!!, Sadeem told me that the judge decided I didn't need to give testimony and so, therefore, Sadeem decided that it was "too hot", "too crowded" and "too busy" for me to be present. Needless to say, I choked back the instant tears that immediately worked their way into my voice. I MISSED hearing the judge pronounce me as Permanent Guardian of Sweet Pea.

But . . . nonetheless . . . I AM officially Permanent Guardian of Sweet Pea! :)

As you can tell, I say this with bittersweet emotion - - there is grief in not having the first-hand-experience of the judge's ruling to share with my daughter one day. I have that for my son, Nicholas. I vividly remember the once-in-a-lifetime moment of the Russian judge looking at me and pronouncing the ruling of adoption. I remember vividly the actual moment I officially became the parent/mother of Artyom Victorovich/Nicholas Ivan. Not that both adoptions of my children should be the same, but I had always envisioned having that "moment" of official ruling locked in my memory for each of my children, to repeatedly share with them over and over as they need to hear their "story".

So, as is my nature in crisis management, I immediately went into action in making sure I had "something" from the BIG day. I asked Sadeem if there were transcripts of the court hearing . . . No. I asked him if there was anything that was recorded from the court hearing . . . No. I was again, taken to my knees. There is nothing that records court hearings in Pakistan? - - - No!

Later in the evening, Sadeem and I had a very long, endearing, heart-to-heart, candid decision on this issue. Sadeem now knows that he should not make decisions concerning the court proceedings for parents without asking first. And . . . I understand that he was trying his best, given the Pakistani court's chaotic system. He told me he based his decision on a previous single woman that adopted from Pakistan in April. She got tired of going to the court over and over again. Sadeem thought he was making a wise decision for me based on this single woman's experience. (I'm so not like her!) So, in his defense . . . I do understand the intent of his decision. And, in my defense . . . Sadeem now understands that the consequences of his actions can be devastating when he assumes he can make decisions for parents, especially single parents (which by Pakistani law can only be women). There will be those adoptive parents that see the court hearings as just a nuisance and a necessity to be tolerated, no need to be there unless absolutely required. And . . . there will also be those parents that savor every moment, every word, every experience that makes up their adoption journey to their child. I am one of THOSE parents.

So, now . . . I'm tending my wound . . . and I pray that God will help me work through this . . . help me to understand that International Adoption has so many heart-wrenching moments that just are out of a parent's control :). And most of all . . . I'm trying to understand that when I accepted my call to Pakistan, I also accepted all that goes with it, the uncertainties and the unknowns. To let go and know that God is in control, not me. I have to admit, this is very difficult for a very independent woman to swallow and humbly bow to. But, I also know that God looks down and sees my hurt, my pain . . . He will make a way!

I debated rather or not to publish this post - should I "tell it like it is?" Or, should I just keep it private for only my daughter to read one day? I decided that being "real in the midst of the process" is the appropriate message I should share and convey with other adoptive parents, in process. There are glorious moments of elation and there are heart-wrenching moments of disappointment - - that is International Adoption! And . . . the children are worth it all!

Love to ALL - from Pakistan!

~Hugs
Mama, Uppa D & Sweet Pea