The most difficult moment . . . walking through the door of Home without Sweet Pea. I see all the preparation that took place in anticipation of Sweet Pea’s arrival home . . .
. . . the car seat and stroller
. . . the “organized” closet full of her clothes and the changing table
. . . her sweet bassinet in Mama’s room . . . the matching swing
. . . her precious picture on the counter for G’ma and Nicky to see every day.
I don’t even have the emotional energy to cry anymore. It will all be dealt with at some point . . . but not right now, not today.
Tomorrow . . . maybe the pain will begin to subside. Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and it will all just be a dream, a horrible nightmare! I will wake up and have my precious Sweet Pea and all will be right with the world!
Tomorrow . . . God, could you please begin working the miracle, so all will be right tomorrow?
Today . . . I need to hug my sweet boy, my Nicky. Try to help him understand why his mama is so sad and his little sister is not here. What do you say to a 6 year old that can even begin to explain it? Nothing . . . really. He is still too young to understand why the very innocent of our world . . . our children . . . become tragic victims!
But, his questions need to be answered . . . “what happened, Mama?” Deep breath, steady voice . . . My dear Lord . . . give me the right words . . .
Mama
Posts
A Touch of Justice
12 years ago
8 comments:
My heart is breaking for you and Nicky and Sweet pea as I read your updates with tears streaming down my face. I pray for a miracle that somehow you might be reunited, or if there is a bigger plan that you may find the little girl that is waiting out there for you. I cannot begin to imagine how you must be feeling, and being told how "strong" you are probably makes you want to scream and say, "I am tired of being strong! I just want to scream and yell about how unfair this all is!!!!" but the woman on the plane was right - you ARE a wonderful mother, to Nicky whom it must feel so wonderful to hold in your arms again, to the little girl you will one day parent, and to little Sweet Pea - whether her mother for a month, or God-willing, a lifetime.
Please know you, your family, and Sweet Pea are in my thoughts and prayers. And please don't give up-take the time you need to grieve this enormous loss, but press on when you are ready. So glad you are home with your support network, and your sweet, sweet boy.
Nancy,
big hugs and so many prayers for you all...
I'm up early Saturday reading through your blog again...with tears again this morning...praying for a miracle and for God's plan for you, Nicky, Dalend and the precious baby girl,surrounded by little angels, that we know God is taking care of in your absence. We were all very worried when we didn't hear anything on Friday...please know you have a extended family at H&P that loves and cares for you very much.
I've been reading your posts with such excitment for you and your family. I only now have had the chance to read about your last few days in Pakistan and my heart is broken for you, your son, your father and your entire family. I will also pray for a miracle that you will again be reunited with your Sweet Pea. I'm just so sorry, there are no words.
Kristy
Single adoptive mom to little boy home 2 years from Russia
I just read your story. I'm so sorry for the loss you've experienced. You must be heartbroken. I wish you peace.
susan
I look forward to the day when you blog again and tell us that God answered our prayers. For so many of us, our heart is in Pakistan, and our grief with you is great. My husband and I are now wondering whether we should continue our journey with a Pakistani adoption or not. My heart was so drawn to Pakistan, it's hard to even think of somewhere else. Many tears and fervent prayers are covering little Marina and you.
Grieving for you,
Andrea from Ohio
Nancy, you don't know me. I found this blog through another I was following. I just want you to know you will get through this, and you and Nicholas will be okay. We had a different situation than yours, but just as painful. A birthmother changed her mind about adoption after we had helped deliver her baby. We thought we would never recover from the pain. Four months later we had a referral from Russia. Three adoptions later (plus waiting on #4 from Russia), we know God has a perfect plan for us and we are grateful we trusted in him. We are keeping you in our prayers. Trust.
Oh Nancy, I am SO SORRY! I'm just in tears for your heartbreak. I'm so glad you have supportive family to hold you while you try to get through this anguish. I will be praying for you, Nicky, your family, and your Marina Grace.
Kathy, single adoptive mom to Amanda, age 6, home almost 2yrs from Russia
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