I have promised my blog readers that I would always be “real in the midst of the process”, “lovingly honest” . . . always letting God’s wisdom shine through my written words. That has always been my witness and testimony . . . and I wish to close out our adoption journey to Pakistan with that commitment to the Truth.
Our adoption journey to Pakistan is over . . . Heartbreaking and Incomplete . . . Without our Gracy Girl . . . our Marina Grace . . . our precious Sweet Pea!
There is no room for anger. The emotional pain and grief take up all the space. It takes my breath away and makes me so physically weak that I fall to my knees . . . once there, all I can do is pray.
No one knows what will happen . . . and according to the US Embassy there is little hope, actually slim to none. However, I know God is bigger than this . . . it WILL take a miracle! Please pray for this miracle.
Please understand . . . I have made public what I wish to be publically known . . . everything else is private. I humbly ask for you to respect my privacy. And yes, there is an on-going US Embassy and Pakistan Child Welfare investigation. If you wish to know the current state of the Lighthouse Pakistan program . . . please contact Lorien Wenger (director of LH) directly with your questions.
And, most of all - - - as you go throughout your day, as you walk by a child and as you kiss your children at night . . . please, please pray for precious Sweet Pea/Marina Grace . . . Gracy . . . the innocent victim.
Mama
(I plan to keep my blog public for a few days, so everyone hopefully can read what has happened. After that, I plan to turn it private . . . for a while.)
Posts
Kaluga Rocks!
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We got to see baby K today!!! She's grown so much in the last couple of
months, and she can walk all around the music room in the baby home if you
hold her...
18 hours ago
65 comments:
I am just stunned and so very sorry. My heart breaks for you and your long journey home without your baby girl. We will all be praying for a miracle at our house.
Nicole
Nancy - I have followed your blog throughout this journey. I wish I could give you a huge hug right now. My thoughts are with you.
I'm stunned and crushed for you. Bless you and your sweetpea.
--A FRUA well-wisher
Nancy,
My heart breaks for you and your loss. I do not know you but have followed your story.
I pray for comfort and peace for you and your family during this time of grief.
I will also be praying for a miracle to bring your baby girl home forever.
-Haley
Oh Nancy, I have been checking your blog every four hours or so, just nervous for some reason for the silence. My heart is breaking for you. I cannot even begin to imagine why and how this could happen. I will be on my knees praying for you, your family and beautiful Sweet Pea.
I am so, so sad for you. Please know that you and Sweet Pea are in my thoughts and prayers.
Katie
Heartbroken for you. I have nothing to offer but prayer. Thank you for sharing...a constant reminder that every day/moment is precious. Even those we get to bring home and care for are not "ours".
--a fellow adoptive Mom
My heart is breaking for you. I am also praying for a miracle. She is so beautiful. Please know I am here for you.
I am so sorry, words cannot exepress how sad I feel for you and I am sure words are totally unable to make you feel better. I hope that time will heal the gash in your heart. I know that it will never be "ok" with this loss! Sending you prayers and hugs.
I have no words.....I am so very grief-stricken for you. My heart is with you and precious Nicky. I know a bit of what it is like to return home, without the sister my son was so looking forward to, heart-broken and empty. I will squeeze my Dylan tightly and say a pray for you all.
Shelly
I am so sorry.
My heart breaks for you. I don't even have words to express how I feel and yet you wrote so beautifully your emotions. Sorry is just not enough. You are strong woman and I know you will find some peace as you process this heartbreaking journey. Please know I am praying for you, Uppa D, Nicky and Sweet Pea.
Nancy - I pulled up my blog reader this morning while waiting for my son and read your posts and was reduced to tears. My heart is so broken for you. I've followed your blog for a very, very long time and you have the biggest heart and the such grace. I was celebrating for you everyday when I read a new post and am just now so heartbroken. I will be praying for you, Nicky, Uppa D and Sweet Pea. May all of you find comfort in each other and the strength to keep going. You are a very, very special person and were put in Sweet Pea's life for a specific reason. While it might not seem clear right now, hopefully some day that reason will reveal itself. If I can do anything at all, please just let me know.
Many hugs -
Becky
Marina Grace is a beautiful name!
Though, I am stunned as well by this! I am SO SORRY! I will PRAY FOR YOU..GOD MAKES MIRACLES NANCY..don't give up.
Nancy, I have been following you blog for the past few weeks and am absolutely stunned at the tragic ending to this. I am so, so sorry for your loss. No words can even explain the deep sadness I feel for you. Please know you and your entire family are in my prayers.
I am absolutely stunned and horrified. Please accept my prayers and tears on your behalf.
I just can not believe this! My heart has broken into a million pieces and aches so for you all. Words can not express the pain I feel and I can't imagine what you must be feeling. I, too, am praying for a miracle.
Holly
i have been following your story and am totally shocked at th situation. i pray that you will be strong and keep faith. He is there for you.
Nikki, London, England
Nancy, you don't know me, but I've been following your blog for a while now. Reading these last posts, knowing what you've had to endure, has been so very unbelievable. Add me to the list of those aching for you and praying for you.
Oh my dear Nancy. . .words cannot convey the heartbreak I feel for you, Nicky and for Sweet Pea. My prayers go out to you three. As with everything, God will be there for you and will totally understand your heart. God bless.
Nancy,
I am so completely heart-broken for you. You and your family are in my daily prayers. Count me in as one who is praying for your miracle.
Lori
I am in SHOCK! I know your arms are aching to hold her and kiss her. I have been away from my computer for a couple of days. I just can not imagine the pain that your family is feeling now. Sweet pea is a very special baby, God WILL watch over her because he knows that this is the only way you will feel comfort.
Joy
Nancy,
I read all these posts as I was walking to my morning swim session and just sobbed for you and for Marina. I'm just so so so sorry, I can't put into words the grief I feel for you and the grief I understand. You are incredibly strong and I hope you have some time now to just be with Nicky and somehow move forward.
(((hugs)))
I'm soooo very sorry. This is the saddest thing I've ever heard. I know what it is to lose a child prior to adoption and it was a piercing grief. But I'd never met the child. I can't comprehend how you must be grieving. Take care.
I have been following your journey and too could not hold back streaming tears reading your recent posts. I know there are no words to comfort you right now but, my most sincere prayers for a miracle! I am so so sorry for your loss! May you feel Gods arms wrapped around you.
Nancy,
I have been following your blog for a very long time and am so heartbroken to read what has happened to you all especially to Sweet Pea. My heart breaks for you. Two of our children are adopted from Russia and our oldest son passed away three years ago. Your blog entries remind me of how I felt at his passing and it just isn't fair that this has happened to any of you. I am just so sorry that life can be so cruel at times. Please if I can help in any way email me at sarahwalkersage@yahoo.com. My heart goes out to you. I am praying for a miracle.
Sarah
Nancy,
Words escape me, so I'll just send hugs and many, many prayers for you, Nicky, Uppa D, and of course, Gracy.
I am so very sorry. Through tears I am praying for you and most of all for Sweet Pea. I will pray for a miracle that in the end it will work out somehow...
I have been following your blog for a long time now and I wanted to let you know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I have shed tears for you and am sending you hugs and support. Be strong and know that we are all praying.
Nancy ... I am so very sorry for you and your family. Words seem so inadequate but know that so many in your adoption community family are praying for you all. MaryLee
I hadn't been able to check in for a few days and started from the days I missed. When I saw that video of you, Uppa and Marina I had tears in my eyes knowing your hapiness. And then my tears of hapiness turned into sadness. The words I'm sorry can't even cover this situation. If my heart hurts, I can't imagine what yours is doing right now.
I will pray for your miracles, both peace in your heart and hopefully God somehow bringing Marina back to you.
I know your faith is being tested now. I can't imagine a test like that. God knows you are strong and after reading everything, I know you are too.
I am praying for all of you, and know that you will always be in Marina's heart. She will never forget a mother who loved her so much even for a short amount of time.
I know you mentioned going private, but please make sure to reach out to us for help and support. We are all praying for you and Nick.
FENTON from FRUA
Nancy, I am so heart broken for you. I have followed your journey for quite some time as a fellow LH family. I will pray for the miracle that needs to happen for your Gracy to come home. Losing a child is a pain bigger than anything else. May God hold you in the comfort of His gentle hands as He works all of this out.
Hugs and prayers,
Angie
P.S. I would like to follow your blog if you go private, angieconfer@comcast.net.
I am so very, very sorry :(.
-Shelby
China waiting Mom
Nancy: I have followed your blog, your FRUA post and the single Russian moms yahoo group. I am heartbroken to read your recent posts and I can't imagine what you, Nicky and your family are going through. Your family, and especially little Marina Grace, are all in my prayers. I hope you find some comfort in the love and prayers offered by so many.
Catherine
Nancy, My heart is aching, my soul is longing for a little girl I never got to hold. My prayers are that through this painful experience God will cause you to grow in dimensions you never expected to grow. We cannot understand why this has happened, but God knows and we must trust him in all things, knowing that he is all powerful and all sovereign in this life of ours. Right now I just want to be there with you and share in this time of grief and lonliness. Please know that my heart is connected to yours, to Nicky's, and Papa D's . . . and Marina Grace's though she is a world away from me. I still think of her as part of our family. We all ache for you and want to comfort you as you emotionally travel through these next few weeks. God will walk beside you always.
God's grace to you,
Aunt Janie
Your faith is an inspiration to us all. May the Lord's comforting grace surround you, your family including little Marina Grace.
Oh Nancy . . . my heart is absolute broken for you and that sweet beautiful child. My prayers are always with you. Please know that I'm here for you in any way you need me.
Jennifer Buchanan
Nancy: As I sit here catching up on the last few days of posts, I am so broken-hearted for you that words fail me. I can't even imagine the pain you, Uppa D and Nicky are feeling.
Please know our prayers go out to all of you, especially Marina Grace. God will take care of all of you ~ keep the faith.
~Laura
God IS bigger than anything or anyone, and I continue to pray for Him to work miracles. Most importantly, I pray for miracles in sweet Marina's life, so that she can grow up happy, healthy, and with a knowledge and acceptance of the love of our Heavenly Father. I also pray that God will give you comfort, endurance, peace, and grace to deal with all that you must deal with.
In His love,
Jenn
Nancy, words cannot express how sorry I am that this has happened. I can hardly type through the tears. I am praying for all of you and especially Sweet Pea! I know you will stay strong for little Nicky's sake. You have such a huge heart and have so much love to give, this just can't be the end of the story. I am praying for a MIRACLE! May God bless you and keep you.
Kim A.
Nancy, I am Dan's mother-in-law and just wanted to let you know that we in Georgia are praying for you and your family. Having lost two granddaughters, I know the heartbreak....our God is a God of Grace abounding. He alone can minister to you as you walk this path. I send my love and prayers.
Jody
I am so sorry! I will pray for Marina and I will pray for a miracle!
Nancy, You and Marina Grace have been on my mind since I first read your heartbreaking posts. There are so many people praying for you and her. I hope God's will is our will.
If you do go private, I would love to follow along. I, too, am a single adoptive mon hoping to add another baby girl to our family one day.
Take Care,
Maria
milly_ele@yahoo.com
May you take comfort in knowing that others have had a dishearting story like yours. When I travelled to Kaz last year for my second trip, the birth mother showed up during my court process. I understand and can relate to all of the emotions... Thinking of you in Canada. Take the time you need and get others to tell your story so that you don't have to repeat the shockful story. I emailed you privately as well.
Nancy, I am a friend of Dan and Lara. My heart is aching for you and I have shed some tears over your heartbreak!! I want you to know that I am praying for that miracle for you!
Jen
I am so very sorry this has happend to you and to Marina. I will be praying for all of you. I hope God works her miracle and she can be reunited with you, where she should be. I am just so sad for you all :(
Nancy ~
Knowing the heartbreak of holding a little girl and losing her, I am praying for you and with you through tears of compassion. I am so sorry, Nancy. I cannot fathom the unexpected way you had to say goodbye. Also, it would be so hard not knowing whether you can ever hope to hold her again knowing she is still alive in Pakistan. We are praying for you, Nancy. We are praying for God's grace to wash over you and be sufficient for each day. Please do include us when you go private. Love and hugs across the miles, Dan & Lara and family
This touches my heart and brings tears to my eyes. Trust God! Praying for a miracle!
Nancy,
I have never met you, but have been following your blog and just want to tell you that I will be praying daily for both you and Marnia Grace. As you know, in God all things are possible ...
Shelley Carter
Nancy -
I can't believe this all happened to you - I am so, so sorry. We were all so happy with you, and then truly heartbroken by your loss. We will pray that God will always take care of your beautiful daughter. You have handled this so well, I can't imagine your pain. Juat know that so many people are horrified by what you have been through. Much love and prayers -
Peggy
I can't stop thinking about you and Sweet Pea.
I have been praying for you both and for a miracle from God.
I am so very sorry.
Nancy, from one mother of an Artyom to another, I am so sorry to read this update! I will pray for strength and healing in your heart.
Nancy,
Clayton and I read all your blogs after Lois told us what happened. My heart is aching for all of you. With tears streaming I watched all the wonderful pictures of Sweet Pea. Know you are held close in our hearts and prayers as you struggle to go on without your sweet girl. All our love,
Clayton, Lori and the boys
I am a single mother by choice--I have 2 boys from Russia. I stumbled on to your blog and have followed it. I just want you to know that I have prayed for you. I feel so deeply for you and this situation. I know that you know God is sovereign and yet, it hurts.
Oh, Nancy! I heard only sketchy details at CUA and just finished reading your blog. Please know you and Uppa D and Nicky are in my prayers. I am stunned. God works miracles, Nancy, and He loves you and Sweet Pea.
Connie
Nancy,
I am heartbroken for you. I cannot imagine the grief you are experiencing. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Vicki Ross
Nancy,
I honestly am stunned by the news that you are home without your baby. I don't know how comforting anyones words are right now, but I do want you to know that I am and have been thinking about you (alot). I hope you can eventually gather the strength to try again to adopt a child. You are the most loving mother! Each and every baby would be blessed to have you for a mother.
Kathy J.
Nancy;
I'm so very sorry for what you and your family are going through.
Know that I have you in my heart and prayers.
God Bless!!!
Iraida
My hearts breaks for you. I pray that you find a resolution that brings your baby home.
Nancy, I feel so helpless. If I could, I would take your pain on myself. I know your faith will bring you through this. I only wish you didn't have to feel the pain.
Nancy and Nicky; Mom told me about all that has happened in the past month. I just cried as I read all that has happened to you all. I don't know how you feel or what to say to you. But I am thinking of you. I am so glad that MJ and D were at the airport when you got home. GOD works in mysterious ways I am told. I don't know what HE holds in store for you, but it must be something absolutely wonderful.
HUGS and THOUGHTS to you all,
JULIE (and Harald and family)
I was directed to your blog by another parent and my husband and I just read the outcome of your journey to your daughter. I am so very sorry for all of this pain you are going through and devastated for Marina. Her loss is far greater we know... you are a beautiful mother and you have given much to her already... May God bless you and keep you and this and more for baby Marina... we will keep her in our family prayers.
Nancy, so very sorry for your loss. You are in our prayers...
Oh my God...I found this blog today through a discussion on the Pakistan Adoption listserv. I cannot stop crying, reading what you are going through, and worse, what Marina must be going through, missing her mother...I have faith in God and I will pray for you and ask others to keep you in their prayers as well. I am confident, God-willing, that everything will work out for the best.
Nancy,
Iam soooo sorry!! What you and your family must be going through I can not imagine. And I know you have heard every thing I could say to you so I will just send out lots of love and hugs for ALL of you and loads of prayers that in the end you are reunitd with your DD.
Nancy - I haven't kept with the blogs in a few months due to some personal issues, so I was completely in shock when I was reading your blog. My heart truly truly aches for you. I can't imagine... I'm praying for you, your family, your adorable son and precious Marina.
Anne (mom to Evan adopted from Russia)
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